The first one after writing that piece did not work out because ostensibly he realized he did not want children. The reality could be different, but that’s what ultimately made me close out our connection. I decided for the next one, I’d put my cards more clearly on the table. That one, it was a mismatch in communication styles that did us in and a lack of showing true interest and priority when we finally met in person.
The most recent one, though, came on the heels of my best friend and I doing a book club through the love & self-help genre. We spent part of the summer and fall going through Jay Shetty’s 8 Rules of Love (disclaimer: IDK how I feel about him as a ‘former monk’/’spiritual expert’, but he summarizes interesting concepts in good packaging) & Calling In the One (this lady ended up writing Conscious Uncoupling… so IDK her credibility either).
What I came away with from spending the time on these types of growth topics was that though it takes two people to create a relationship, working on my own approach to communication and my habits in relationships could prepare me for when I found it.
So when I first encountered the last “exploration” of the year, I was primed to be more open-minded, take into account my previous type and how it didn’t work for me, and approach things toward finding ways to make things work out as much as possible. Though I put a concerted effort, it became clear that one person cannot carry a relationship. He tried, but he was also going through a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with his career and life events.
Ultimately, even though I came out of our meeting thinking, “this could work, we get along where it counts”, he was feeling “I don’t think this is for me”. It’s a tough lesson, but both people have to be on board with the seeing it through and creating that partnership.
But back to the apps! In February, I traveled A LOT. (See instagram highlight: HERE) and in both Italy and India, gave swiping abroad a shot to interesting results. I found a few folks I am still in contact with, but what I realized is that interactions have degraded everywhere. It’s really hard to commit to a conversation let alone a person, so it’s now normal to have a roster but for that to be distinct from ENM/ poly type folks. (Essentially, have a roster until something pops off with a particular individual.)
But by trying to think more long-term about what I want, I realized that some of the geographic barriers we’ve built into dating are artificial if people want committed connections. Do I see myself in Portland long-term? Not really… so why am I limited in my dating pool on some of these apps to this vicinity? And only through paying can I avail myself of options in sunnier climes / back home? Or abroad for that matter? This is something I’m considering as the search continues.
I’ve been really intentional about how I approach my matches, but even with all that– I have experienced my share of ghosts and weirdos. Some find this oasis on the internet before we’ve even interacted. * upside down smiley* (If that’s you, stop. It’s weird! If I send you this when we’ve been talking, sure, but like… why snoop so deep when you don’t even know if we vibe?!) Some unmatch mid conversation because they “don’t like how fast things were going” Reader, I just asked the guy if we could meet for coffee… and he could have easily just said “No thanks” saving me from the abrupt ending of our convo.
And the reason these interactions have gone so sideways is the mentality that these apps have proliferated– someone better or hotter or more your type is a swipe away, so don’t worry about the ones you’ve matched with– they’re replaceable. Back when Tinder first rolled around, and Bumble shortly after, I remember the novelty and the cache they had. They attracted those early- adopter “looking for something different” types. Now, it feels like the new trend is to say resolutely “ugh, I’m off the apps, I want to meet someone in person!”
But where to then? Portland has a group called “Meeting Mutuals” that has set up some cute speed-dating and meeting people at a bar kind of nights, but transparently lots of the attendees are women and they clamor to find more men to attend them.
In LA, I recently went to an event curated by 222. It is an AI-based matching algorithm and event curation app that puts on events across Los Angeles and now New York. I was super skeptical when I saw the Instagram ad, but applied for it and the lunch my best friend and I attended was quite interesting and I really enjoyed the people it matched us with. (And am getting SO MUCH FOMO for the types of events I get pinged about since! a karaoke night followed by swing dancing?! YES PLZ!)
222 was created by a band of 23-year-old USC alums and made me feel ancient when I read the founding story, but it goes to show that the sentiment about meeting people and third spaces has really been lost on Gen Z. Millennials kind of bridge the gap with in person hangs and “bring a friend” dinners (one of my NYC friends, Marvin Mathew has hosted epic versions of these!), but leaving it up to AI to find you friends? Gen Z is braver than we are. That said, it kind of worked! But my feeling is the concept would have worked regardless of the matching because it’s about finding people willing to come to the table and meet some strangers, not exactly matching the type that will have an outcome.
There is also always the “hang out in a third place” option which I am trying out today while typing out this blogpost. I’m at a cafe in my neighborhood and people-watching, and open to vibing if someone approaches me. But would I approach anyone? Possibly. We have to find ways back to connection and interaction– one interaction and opportunity at a time.
Maithreyi
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