For the past nearly 3 years, I have been on a quest. Not solely of self-discovery, but in the pursuit of something that so many seek and is both mundane and magical. That’s right, my friends. I am talking about “looking for love”, or what my leadership coach and I have termed “Relationship Exploration”.
And spoiler alert: the quest has not yet reached its destination– I was going to say “not yet been successful” but actually, there have been many a learning on this path.
Prior to this, I was not a stranger to dating or exploring, but decidedly, as my career and other elusive questions started to formulate more concrete answers, at least for the moment, in 2020 or so, my parents and I started “the process”. That is, looking for a life partner for me. When we began this, I had an open mind. It was mid-pandemic and there was no way I could go on dates and swipe my way toward a partner at the time, so, why not see who my parents would find for me? It was another “channel”, to use sales terminology, which my father and I began to do a lot on this journey.
However, what I did not count on were the big and small learnings about myself.
Long ago, when I was in my late teens, I had written a blogpost about my brother, and though I didn’t spell it out, I did not fathom having a long term romantic relationship because of my family and family obligations and duties. The reality of keeping my head down and being single-minded on career and academics in that time and afterwards was because I truly thought I had no other future. And I had little belief that anyone would want in on that future looming ahead. It took a lot of time to unlearn that and open myself back up to the possibilities and potential out there.
Having spent the time focusing on who I am and what I bring to the table in terms of skills and values, entering the world of horoscopes and marriage websites and aunty/uncle introductions, I did not think that those feelings would resurface, and that “Oh, this may not be for everyone,” would emerge again as a fear. Naively, I thought, if someone liked me for me, they’d understand, because I would not be here, would not be who I am without my family and our unique situation. Instead, I would face families or prospective grooms who would espouse “Oh, you and your family are so great and amazing for doing what you’re doing,” whilst bowing out, or folks unable to consider what that life may entail or even one asking if that affects my genetics and potential children.
The thing is, life is not a smooth path for anyone. Car accidents or job losses or health scares or other misadventures befall us all, and when it comes to relationships, it’s all in how you handle them. My family has been able to navigate a difficult situation with good nature and grace. It’s not been easy, but we are doing the best we can, every day, and I know that my life is forever enriched through this experience.
Does this make my standard for a partner higher? Does it make me or my experience difficult to relate to? Does this change the tenor of the questions I ask when on a first phone call with a “candidate”? (Yes, again with the sales and business jargon!) Absolutely. But it also gives me a real life scenario to walk through and model and see if they have what it takes to meet the moment with me. It’s not about right answers, it’s about the willingness to stick through and work together.
All that to say, I am still on that “Relationship Exploration”, but with each conversation and each refinement, I am getting better at discerning what I’m searching for, and allowing space for the “when you know, you know” as many of my married or partnered friends say. I have learned to let go of the superficial for a focus on core values, and have about a handful that serve as my gut check for if someone feels right. I think it would be worthwhile to dive into that and other mindset and tools in a future post.
I also just wanted to write this out to let anyone else looking know, you’re not alone. It’s rough out here. But keep going. None of us need someone, but if someone can enrich or enhance your life, why not keep an open heart?
Here’s my favorite romcom movie montage for hope:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkgiIEtXnEQ
XOXO,
Maithreyi
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